CHICAGO– Only the director of “The Transporter 3” could make a movie in which the gorgeous Zoe Saldana changes outfits as often as she speaks lines of dialogue as dull as the tedious, illogical, useless “Colombiana.” Sure, the final showdown has some damn cool action but it takes a hundred often-unbearable minutes to get there.
With a story that’s morally repugnant if you take it seriously for even a second and not enough style to stand as escapist entertainment, there’s a reason this clunker is being buried at the end of August and wasn’t screened for most critics – it shouldn’t screen for most audiences either.
 Rating: 1.0/5.0 |
“Colombiana” opens with a scene of extreme violence that should have warranted the push from PG-13 to R that never happened. (Maybe the MPAA fell asleep or decided not to screen the film. It’s hard to blame them. But you should be warned that this is the most-violent PG-13 of the year. One man is eaten alive by sharks and dozens are gunned down.) A little girl named Cataleya watches her father and mother get gunned down at the orders of a ruthless drug lord. She escapes with some vital information and uses it to talk the American Embassy into allowing her passage from Bogota all the way to Chicago. Yes, it’s another film set in our wonderful hometown that doesn’t use it to any advantage at all.
 Read Brian Tallerico’s full review of “Colombiana” in our reviews section. |
In the Windy City, Cataleya joins forces with her uncle Emilio (Cliff Curtis in a role way beneath his talent level), who trains her to be a lethal killer. After a ridiculous scene in which he shoots a random car outside of her new school (don’t ask…it doesn’t really make sense in the movie either), we flash from 1992 to 2007 and the sweet Cataleya has turned into the lethal Zoe Saldana (“Avatar”). She’s been a killer-for-hire for years now, wiping out almost two dozen targets and leaving her tag, the Colombian orchid after which she was named. The idea being that the tags will lead the drug lord who ruined her life out of hiding and she can get her revenge.
Continue reading for Brian Tallerico’s full “Colombiana” review..JPG "Colombiana")
Colombiana
Photo credit: Sony Pictures
